11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
