p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
