you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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