Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
