she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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