This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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