Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
