I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
