I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
