i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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