i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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