headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
