I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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