It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
