Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
