I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
