I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
