She is in my trunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
