Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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