I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
