You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
