I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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