i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
