I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
