I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
