i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
