Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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