you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
