Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
