I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
