she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
