Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
