things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
