I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
