tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
