Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
