remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
