No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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