I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
