If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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