Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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