Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
