From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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