i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
