Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
