I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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