apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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