guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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