It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
