what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
