She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
